Delilah’s Journal

i don't know why i'm writing in a journal now. i never really used to write in one when i was growing up. i think it's because i was always that kind of girl who would just say whatever was on my mind anyway and i didn't have a whole lot of secrets. i mean, i had some secrets but i basically kept them inside and didn't even write them down.

so i've never really done something like this. but i'm all about trying new things. basically figure out what it is i'm doing and why life is super weird now. it's always been a little weird but lately it's been very weird. missing time, memories that aren't mine, stuff like that and i can't really seem to shake it or let it go? it's weird because i've always been one to let things roll off my back like it's no problem and just go with it but now? i feel a little uneasy. and i haven't told anyone about this because people already think i'm a little crazy.

and i own my crazy so that's not really a big deal. but this kind of crazy? it's a little bit different. so let's back up a little. it starts with the weeks i can't remember. those weeks are full of thoughts that sort of fade in and out, kinda like when i only half pay attention to a tv show or movie. all the information is sorta there but it's all mixed up and the plot of it is all kinds of messed up. and that was bad enough in january when it happened. but hey, i wrote it off as a one time thing, maybe i'm reaching my quarter life crisis (oh god am i? oh god oh god oh god. we'll come back to this thought later) but it happened again last month. so it wasn't a fluke. it wasn't some random thing that just happened once. and it only happens once a month. like a period. a wacky, crazy blackout period. (which is gross and you should probably just forget i ever said it. but keep this here so i never say it again because i might forget.)

ok so things we know: blackouts, memories. OH MEMORIES. so this is the crazy part because after the blackout this time i started having memories that weren't mine. like, full on memories. not like i read the comic book type deal. nope, it was like i lived it. yeah crazy. so these memories are of squirrel girl. SQUIRREL GIRL. so first of all: if i am having a quarter life crisis i am kinda glad i picked squirrel girl to have this crazy thing with and here's why: she's awesome and underrated. anyone can be a wonderwoman or mystique or black widow but SQUIRREL GIRL. totally underrated and awesome. sometimes my brain is a great place to be.

so yeah. i don't know what it all means. and i felt like i needed to write it down because i'm afraid to say something to people. maybe i should. i could say something to jack or whitney or even maya probably dahlia too. i'll keep you posted journal.

i might not write for a few days though because i'm going to vegas for the weekend with maya. oh crap i need to go bathing suit shopping. OK BYE.

oh wait. quarter life crisis. glad i made a note to come back. so it could just be that. maybe i'm just unfulfilled because i need to find my purpose in life and pretending to be some kind of superhero makes me feel better about myself. so i have a master's and i'm doing nothing with it because i am afraid. which is stupid. i know it's stupid. but i'm afraid that i'll get bored but right now i'm just bored. i need to put myself out there which shouldn't be hard but it is. because i am the type of person who's loud and in your face but it's all because i want people to like me. and think i'm smart and cool and junk. i'm too much for people sometimes because of it and that kinda sucks. my dating life is in shambles.

OK NO. no. you don't get to do that. that's not fair because you're young still. life is ahead of you. who cares if the girls who you're friends with on facebook or instagram are all engaged or getting married or having kids or have kids. it's cool to just be you for a little while. figure life out. figure you out. it's not a big deal. so go and have fun in vegas, dance like no one is watching and find yourself.

i don't know why i wrote that like someone else was telling me to do it but whatever it works.

OK REALLY NOW BYE.

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